Awhile ago, my wife and I had a conversation about what to call various people that our kid will come in contact with. Of course, we have the obvious: Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt Katy, etc.  We have some difficulty in deciding the relationship of all the step-parents/SOs to our child as well, but we’ll have to sort that out in the long run, I guess.  The not-so-obvious are the friends of ours that are close to us and will be exposed to our kid a lot, as well as the other people in our lives, both strangers and acquaintances.
It was at this point that my wife surprised me. Now, it’s not that she doesn’t do this on a regular basis anyway — I married her partially for the suspense of it all — but on this particular subject she trumped my ideas of formality with even more.
I was raised calling my aunts and uncles by their first names, something they were perfectly comfortable with (and still are) but something that always felt a bit odd to me, so I had already decided that I would teach my kids to use the formal title, “Aunt” and “Uncle”, when referring to those relatives.
Friends of my parents I sometimes called by their names, sometimes by a more formal title such as “Mr” or “Mrs”, but it really depended. I figured a similar scheme would be used for my child, but my wife doesn’t think this way — she prefers that more formality be used for addressing adults by children, and she thinks that our friends should be called “Aunt” (or “Auntie”) and “Uncle”, not because they are necessarily of that relation, but because it shows respect for closer adults in the kid’s life.
I was pretty shocked, given how relaxed Australians tend to be on most things, but perhaps some of the more formal British attitude has stuck with the South Australians and hence this thought. Then again, maybe all Aussies have this way of thinking on this subject (I haven’t really canvassed the neighborhood).
I love the idea, personally. I’ve always thought that, in many ways, there’s less formality when it comes to the younger generation addressing the older. I’ve always been of the opinion (and was raised to think) that more formality is always preferable to less, and nobody will ever hate you for doing so. If an adult gives you their permission to call them something else — “Oh, just call me John” — then the child is welcome to do so; otherwise, the title should be used without fail.
This is just the start, of course — I expect that my children will use polite terms, speak with respect and honor to their betters, and know their place in a conversation without being stifled. There’s not much more that can rile up my wife and I but to hear a child smartmouthing an adult, and my children will certainly do none of that. Calling someone
the
proper name
is just a
good beginning
down the road
of being a good,
polite person.Calling someone the proper name is just a good beginning down the road of being a good, polite person.
So, I think we’re generally agreed that close friends will be addressed as above and others will probably be called “Mr”, “Ms”, or “Mrs”, as necessary. I think it adds a much needed distinction on the relationship between our child and the person, acknowledging the wisdom of experience and age. It also follows the traditions of many other cultures that use more formal addresses between ages than Americans or even Australians, even to the point of reworking how you phrase a sentence.
The example I always hearken back to is the Spanish language, which uses a formal version of the word, “you”, when talking to elders and other respected people. ¿Cómo estás? says, “How are you?” in an informal way, but ¿Cómo está usted? would be used for the more formal address, the conjugation of the verb into the formal tense and the addition of the formal “you” (usted) making the same meaning that much more proper.
In a world that is becoming increasingly more relaxed on many aspects of life, are we expecting too much of our child? I always wonder if we’ll be labeled hardasses (on this and other points), not that it’s going to stop me, but it’ll be interesting to see the reactions from others. Anyone out there got an opinion on this? If nothing else, I’ll expect our children to deliver some respect back into the world, no matter what others are doing on the subject. I think that’s only correct.
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