From the director that brought you, Holy Shit, It’s Only Wednesday and What in the Hell Did You Flush?, we bring you a new summer blockbuster hit that’s sure to please:
It’s Called Modern Communication Methods, Dumbass!
The Answering Machine
Around since 1904, this terribly handy device is still not understood by the masses of people that call my home phone. Our phone message is simple: “Nathan and Yolanda’s answering machine, leave a message.” We’re even being way obvious in our communication — yes, this is an answering machine, as if you had any reservations about the tinny recorded voice coming to you down the line. Yes, you should leave a message. When? Well, there’s this little beep thing — well, most of you have heard this before, haven’t you? You know what to do.
The problem is — you fuckers haven’t figured it out! The damned devices have been around for over 103 years (that’s 1,236 months for you parents out there) and you still don’t know what to do when you call one! So, as a review, here’s what NOT to do when speaking to an answering machine:
- Leave. A. Damned. Message. Do not hang up without leaving a message. Nothing will make me want to come over to your house and hit you over the head with a brick as much as simply not saying anything. You obviously called for a reason, otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered, right? Feel free to say, “Was looking for you, wanted to know if you wanted to do lunch, guess you’re not home.” or something similarily trite, but leave a damned message.
- Leave a GOOD Message - Saying, “Wanted to talk to you about something, will try to get ahold of you later” is only going to make me hate you more. Â You left a message — a good start — but it was just as though you didn’t, because it didn’t TELL me anything. Â Is it urgent? Â Trivial? Â What’s the real meaning here? Â Give me SOME indication as to your intentions so I have a thought as to whether I should call you back today or next week or NEVER.
- I’m Not Home - Do not act as if we are standing there, watching the light blink on the machine, and listening to you talk. While this may be true on occasion, 99% of the time we aren’t there. Saying, “Hello? Are you there? Hel-looooo????” and then waiting like a moron wastes our time and yours and only makes me less apt to return your call. If you’ve reached the machine, act like we’re not there and professionally leave your message.
- Keep It Really Short - Do not waste the first 5 minutes talking about the weather, your dog, or saying, “uhm”, unless you are specifically calling for one of those particular reasons. While the days of a tape-based answering machine are long gone, my time is still precious and if the message is rambling, I’m very likely to simply wander off while it’s playing back or weep while standing there and my soul drains out of my ears. Know what you are calling for and leave a concise message about it. Whereas phone conversations may very well ramble, answering machine messages should be short, sweet, and to the point. If you think you’re being short and blunt, you’re probably not short enough. 30 seconds or less, preferably 15 seconds, should be all the time you need to leave your point. Anything more is killing me.
- Digits, Please - State your name at the beginning of EVERY phone call. If this is the first time you’ve called or you do not talk to us on a regular basis (meaning: weekly), leave your phone number, too. Do not assume that I will automatically recognize your name or have your number in my records. I do have Caller ID, so there’s a darn good chance that I have your information anyway, but it doesn’t hurt to double-up on that. Stating it at the beginning of the call means that if I miss it the first time around (or forget to write it down right away), I can still replay the message and don’t have to listen to your entire Butt-Scorcher chili recipe before getting what I need. People’s voices (if you haven’t noticed) are distorted on the phone — don’t assume
that
I’m buddy-buddy
with the Psychic
Friends Networkdon’t assume that I’m buddy-buddy with the Psychic Friends Network
One last point — if I hear one more person say, “Well, I just don’t like talking to answering machines, they’re so impersonal,” I’m going to drag them by the hair out into the woods and staple them to an elm upside down with their head in a vat of freezing-cold tapioca. Get over yourself. You’re not so special to talk to that I’m going to say, “Gosh, I’m sure glad she didn’t leave a message, I’d much rather talk to her on the phone.” The more likely scenario is that I’m standing in my kitchen, screaming obscenities at the answering machine because you have, yet again, refused to leave a message and let me know why you called. However, here’s a more important point: If you do not leave a message, I will not call you back. I refuse to play such games — no message, no call, end of story.
Even worse than the answering machine is how email is still being abused by the hundreds of users out there that haven’t figured it out. I could go on and on about various aspects of writing emails, clarity, brevity, proper form, etc., but others have covered these subjects and it still doesn’t cover the one point that I want to bring up:
If you have email, you must check it at least once per day. This is mandatory.
Like it or not, email is a modern means of communication between people. Those in almost every business setting use it daily to transmit many important messages between colleagues. Teenagers use it to transmit…well…giggles between each other.
If you do not check your email at least daily, you are being horribly and unforgivably rude. Notice I didn’t say answer your email — I never said that had to be done daily, and can’t blame you if some messages take time to reply to. However, if you do not check it, you won’t know that something important has come in, and that’s where you’re being a snob.
“Well, I don’t check it often because all I get is junk.” Tough titties, little kitty. I get over 300 spam emails per day and you don’t hear me weeping about it. The fact is, email is like postal mail in some ways. You might get only magazines for days on end, but eventually you’re going to get that check or prize winning certificate or summons to appear in court — those sorts of messages you don’t want to miss and you’re glad you checked the mail regularly.
Email is the same way — if I know you have it, then I very well may use it to send you some important information. If you don’t check it, then you have no idea that time-sensitive correspondence came in, and you’re being a royal prick.
In Conclusion, Such As That Is
To avoid being labeled as a pain in my ass, please kindly do the following:
- Use an answering machine properly.
- Check your email.
It’s not hard, really, and will save me a lot of headache and angst in the future, and my poor walls which are starting to look awfully dented from all the banging of my head.
Thanks…and have a great day, suckka. 
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