The Firstborn
My life since Thursday has changed forever.
If there is a part of me that is exhausted, it is my heart; that core within me that contains all of my most precious emotions and feelings and ultimately influences me no matter how much I can try to rationalize or use logic to analyze a situation and present it from an objective viewpoint. It has been strained and stretched so many times in the past five days that it has utterly wiped me out.
Screw objectivity. Screw the lot of them. I’m going to feel this one, and I’m going to feel ALL of it, and if I’m subjective and you don’t like it, go stick your head in a bucket.
My Wife. Someone I always considered to be a tough woman with many wonderful properties and skills and qualities, and she completely blew me out of the water in appreciation and respect of her performance and handling of the poking, prodding, pain, and trepidation she has faced and doing it all with maturity, dignity, respect, calmness, and control. She is a shining example as to how people should be, and I couldn’t be more happier or luckier at this moment to know that she’s mine and I’m hers.
My Son. The title still sticks in my throat and sounds foreign to my ears, and I find that I must constantly remind myself that he really, truly is mine and not simply on loan from someone else, an adventure that will end soon. My heart is finding it a fascinating new world to explore, standing at the doorway to a huge field of places to jump and roam. It is quite like the first time you fell in love, although this is much, much more intense and the feelings that spring forth from it, hesitatingly at first, and then stronger and sharper each time they repeat, simultaneously scare, overwhelm, and amaze me.
I have only known him for five days, this little bundle of warmth and grunts and squeaks and bawling, poopy and formula and burping and hiccups, but I know now that I would die in his place, easily, and without hesitation; I would willingly toss myself into any danger to prevent his hurt and quickly and thoroughly finish anyone who injured him. The love that has welled up in the depths of my soul and pours forth is a rush frightens me and yet makes me feel completely and utterly alive, like few other things in the world ever have.
I’m not sure I can ever tame these feelings — I’m not sure I want to find out how.
Keston Daelen Samuel Pralle was born after a long, hard labor and Cesearean section at 9:43pm, Central Daylight Time, on November 1st in the year 2007. He is my son, my firstborn child, and I am in amazement and wonder at how perfect and gentle he is, and I am completely, totally, and otherwise wholly in love with him. And I always will be.
I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.
– Daddy
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