Ye Mounds, They Doth Hinder Me
I don’t clear my driveway and my sidewalks because, deep down, I’m a prick.
No, I harbor no ill will towards my neighbors or passer-bys, but when I exit the house, my right nad looks at the other and says, “So, Left, headin’ north for the winter?” “Damned straight,” says Left, and then both proceed to snuggle up tightly against my kidneys and pull out War and Peace. This sort of do-see-do by my giggleberries makes me think that, instead of laboring for hours outside, I’m better off just gunning the car and hoping it makes it out of the driveway yet again, compacting another layer of freshly fallen frozen headache onto the one below it. And no, it’s not even really cold out yet, but the sensation of blotchy-red skin and tingling extremities has its downsides, too. I’m just trying to be practical.
When it comes to snow clearning, I’m apparently in denial.
Actually, I am supposed to call a local snow removal service to come take care of it for me. Their rates are very reasonable (something like $15 for heavy snow, $8 for light) so it’s very worth it to me (and my bits) to take advantage of it. Personally, I have better things to do in my day than to deal with snow removal. I wonder at their reaction when they come by the first time and note that some dickhead has been creating a layered fossil record of the snows of winters past and they have to chip through a half-foot of industrial ice to get down to the ground. Somehow I suspect that the work I’ve done so far will be around till spring.
I went out earlier today to give it the old college try at making a dent on the piles, but all I really managed to do was get a somewhat decent workout. There I was, swinging a garden hoe like I was John Henry and the weather was fine for building railroad, and the all the ice did was glance up from its crossword and give me a nasty frown. I at least cleared the steps and scraped the top off of the mound of snow so generously piled at the foot of my driveway by the snowplows; otherwise, I wasn’t making hardly any progress so tossed in the towel, figuring that I wasn’t going to make much of an impact and by now my boys had had a long enough tropical vacation.
Now…where did I put those tire chains?
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