|
|||||
Kickass Phone Rates from 3U
|
|||||
| PLACES TO GO: |
This is not all original content by me. It is a collaboration of the many different locations on the Internet of this material, revised and updated by myself to reflect current conditions of these operating systems, and adding in a few jabs of my own. Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but eventually came in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be consumed separately. Although discontinued, a lot of people keep on drinking it. MacOS Beer At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call the brewery to ask about the ingredients, you are told, "You don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. MacOSX Beer A completely re-brewed beer, MacOSX Beer comes in a flashy can that is curvy and ergonomic and comes in several bright colors. The recipe is based on UNIX Beer although the brewer has removed all the impurities that make UNIX Beer sometimes taste foul. Comes in both cans and kegs and can be drunk both at home and at the bar. Containers never explode but require updated refrigerators to keep the beer tasting good. Users report liking the beer instantly. Unlike regular MacOS Beer, MacOSX Beer includes the ingredient listing, but you have to page through several layers of labels before finding it. Fans of this beer are often seen stumbling from the bar, a can in each hand, singing praises to the brewer with a large grin on their intoxicated faces. The only complaint about the beer is that newer versions are pricey, but the brewer calms the complaints with more curvy labels and fancy new pop-tabs. OS/2 Beer Came in a 32-oz can. Allowed you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously and even a Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously, but somewhat slower. Advertised that its cans wouldn't explode when you opened them, even if you shook them up first. You never really saw anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claimed that 9 million six-packs had been sold over the life of the product. Finally discontinued production when the company realized that not changing the recipe of the beer for years left it tasting a bit stale. Windows 3.1 Beer Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like MacOS Beer. Requires that you already own DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly. Especially slow if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows 3.1 Beer will explode when you open it. Windows 95 Beer Lots of people drank it and loved it after years of drinking Windows 3.1 beer. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. No longer produced, some cans still linger in older refrigerators. Windows 98 Beer Looks and tastes exactly like Windows 95 Beer, but with fancier pull tabs. Comes in 32 oz cans, but still contains only about 16 to 24 ounces of beer, depending on where you drink it. Cans have a tendency to explode regularly, but don't really make much of a mess, just a pain to replace damaged beer on a weekly basis. Windows NT 3.51 Beer Came in 32-oz. cans, but you could only buy it by the truckload. This caused most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looked just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer - after Windows 95 Beer started shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Windows NT 4.0 Beer Looks like Windows 95 Beer but still tastes like Windows NT 3.51 Beer. Many of the ingredients are the same and still requires larger refrigerators, although the cans fit a bit better. Cans inside cheaper refrigerators randomly explode, often taking out all other items in the fridge. Still drunk by fans in larger bars, only because they can't justify the cost to buy a six-pack of Windows 2000 beer. Windows 2000 Beer Comes in a reshaped and bulkier 32-oz can but still contains only 16-oz of beer. According to manufacturer it combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories, and is good for getting drunk both at home and at the bar. People who have tried it are annoyed that it sometimes doesn't go well with other drinks and drinking accessories. Cans sometimes still randomly explode and when they do, they take out the refrigerator and half the kitchen. Improvements to this beer have been seen on the shelf, but drinkers report varied results. Windows XP Beer Windows 2000 Beer, with a new can designed by the artistic geniuses of the Fisher-Price Company. Windows XP Beer pours itself down your throat and makes the drinker hallucinate in a rainbow of colors. Beers in the fridge automatically update their contents with the latest brew from the manufacturer while sending information to the brewery about your drinking habits. Windows XP beer attempts to open itself for you when you take a can from the fridge, but sometimes doesn't open the right hole. Windows Vista Beer Yet another beer from Microsoft Brewery, at a time when lots of people thought that Microsoft probably had enough varieties of beers available. This beer took a long time to be developed, years more than originally planned, and many of the proposed ingredients had to be taken out just so they could get the first can finished. This beer looks AWESOME -- provided you have the correct glasses to pour it into, and these glasses are very expensive. If you don't, that's ok, but it doesn't look as good. The flavors of Windows XP beer are still there, just jumbled around in a new and disturbing sort of way. On the whole, most people aren't switching to Vista Beer until they have to. Linux Beer Homebrewed by hundreds (if not thousands) of home brewers around the world, coordinated by a Swedish-speaking Finn who just didn't like the beers that he could get commercially and who decided to take a crack at brewing on his own. Tastes a lot like Unix Beer; many drinkers can't tell the difference. Just one brand, in 32 oz. cans (though some of the beer brewers and distributors are working on 64 oz. cans as we speak), but each distributor changes the can and fiddles with the contents just a bit. While the distributors make it easy for you to find and consume Linux Beer for a price much cheaper than any version of Windows Beer, if you want to do some work you can hunt it out and find one of those thousands of beer brewers who'll be happy to give it to you for nothing. Comes with full instructions on how the beer was made, including a full set of brewing tools and containers for brewing your own version of Linux Beer. Can be drunk from a very plain metal can that requires a can opener to make a hole in to drink from, or can be drunk from an "XCan" that looks similar to but different from a Windows Beer can. This beer is considered the poster-beer for the "Free beer, Open Brewing." movement. UNIX Beer Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer The company has gone out of business, but some weird German company has picked up their recipe, so now this beer is an import. AmigaDOS Beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. A new, updated recipe for this beer has been promised for years, and pictures of the can have been seen, but actual beer has yet to be produced in any large quantity. VMS Beer Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high-pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors have it that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it. MVS Beer Only comes in half-barrels. For serious drinkers only. Can only be drunk from plastic cups. Barrel never explodes but requires experienced technician to tap. It's a very expensive brew but worth the added cost. Many younger drinkers find the taste dated but experienced drinkers enjoy the robust, full-bodied flavor. Only available from an exclusive distributor network. VM Beer A popular beer with the undecided. Originally (1972) marketed in 24-oz. cans, was repositioned in 1990 as "Enterprise Beer for the 1990s" with 31-oz. cans. The missing ounce never mattered, because one can of VM beer could have the same effect as dozens, hundreds, or thousands of cans, at minimal increased cost, and without a corresponding increase in wastewater or solid waste. Though VM beer suffered from neglect by its brewer (International Beer Manufacturing), it can now be produced in industrial quantities with an economical "homebrew" kit. Claims to allow the drinker to consume several flavors of beer at the same time. Usually comes only in large kegs, but a bottled version from microbreweries is available. Once purchased, VM beer never runs out - the drinker just defines more and keeps on drinking. Multiple taps on one keg are permitted. VM Beer also allows the drinker to re-design the keg, taps and mugs while drinking. This is a work in progress. Since I have not tried all of these OSes, some are from other "Beer" lists or from my understanding. Feel free to contribute ideas or suggestions to tarsi at binhost dot com. |
||||
