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Everyone has seen the movie Mary Poppins as a child, haven't they? You pretended that you, too, could prance lightly upon the chimneys of London without some enraged Brit, his sleep having been interrupted for the ninth night standing by the pitter-patter of a deranged cleaning crew using his roof for a re-enactment of Riverdance, emerging from his house with a Howitzer and blowing your ass clear to Dublin. The fantasy is mighty, indeed, but let me attempt to tell you the true story behind this happy little tale. Let's start with that cheeky Mary Poppins herself. What self-respecting woman, especially one with such a clear violation of the British accent, is named "Poppins"? That's right, folks, that's her street name. Let's look at this....Mary. Magdeline? The infamous slut-gone-holy girl from the Bible, after seeing her fair share of the secrets of the male Jewish community, turned over a leaf (or rolled one) and repented. Perhaps this Poppins woman has a less-than-clear past? You just know that her middle name has to be "Jane". Speaking of hazy things, there's some bathroom-glass relationships going on behind the scenes. Why do all those nancing sweeps know her by name? They've "cleaned her chimney" more than once in the past, my friend. What do you think those brushes are for? Speaking of waltzing cleaning personnel, aren't they just a bit more involved in their dancing and prancing than you normally see of men in a blue-collar profession? I suspect that this rooftop baseball team steps up to the plate for both sides. After all, a long day of sliding up and down exhaust pipes and avoiding getting your loins barbequed has to make you think of something, eh? And they're already used to getting dirty, what's a little more "chimney work"? Go' some soot on your stick, gov'nah? Bert is clearly Poppins' sugar daddy and proves it by showing up at the most opportune moments, either to provide entertainment or to rescue the children (shouldn't go running down dark alleys, kids, it might be dangerous). "It's been a long time, Bert" and I'm sure it has, Mary, but won't you likely take care of that on your next day off? (Sorry, children, but Bert and I are going to chim-chim-cha-rhee without you and the cast of Lawrence Welk watching this time.) And Poppins...pusher? I'm thinking so. That isn't plain old "chalk dust" her and Bert are peddling on the sidewalks of London. As you have seen in the movie, Mary, Bert, and children go on quite a "trip" with those chalk drawings. In reality, they're all bent over a curb with a straw up their noses, singing, "Super-cali-fragi-licious-expiali-docious" with all the vigor of an Irish beer festival. After being out in the rain (ruins that chalk-dust experience, let me tell you), the children and Mary return home and have a nip of "cordial". Makes the children sleep! As for Mary, she had her favourite -- "rum punch". Yeah. Right. No spider veins on this woman's arms. (long-sleeved dresses are handy for a reason) The day after they spend laughing and bouncing on the ceiling of an elderly man's house when they stop by for some "tea". No wonder the British have it every afternoon, it must be one hell of a flight. (Note to self: Analyze the Boston Tea Party later.) The joke about the man with the wooden leg named Smith is actually a story about one of the most famous smugglers in their history (the leg was hollow, of course). And how do they come down from the ceiling? Bingo. It's called the crash, folks, and it makes everyone come down. How about the Banks household? George has clearly been shooting up too much in the office, as wired as this boy is, and his wife Jane isn't getting nearly enough because she's holding women's liberation movements in her living room whilst her bonny children come home, red-eyed and sniffling after hanging with Poppins all day. The staff? They're not making crumpets back there for tea only, I gather. "Today's baking day and you know how Cook is!" Yup, we know how baking day goes...EVERYONE gets baked! The bank? The mob. Clearly they have a controlling influence on many of the finer citizens until they get hold of some of Mary Poppin's "magic" and their leader "dies laughing" (I smell an OD). Feed the birds, my son, tuppence a bag. (dime bag, that is...but only for the cheap shit) After all is said and done, Mary flies away on the handle of an umbrella. Likely story. More probable that someone in Scotland Yard finally got wind that Poppins was back in the 'hood, raising hell and corrupting children with her 'spoonful of sugar'. Mary "flies away" to return "when the wind is right" (IE: the heat dies down). The parrot on the end of the umbrella? A cheeky fellow, but you'd be cheeky, too, if you were handled like that. Remember: She wears white gloves for a reason. |
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