Dad Jokes

I love, love, love dad jokes. Not just because I’m a dad, but because of the way it makes people groan in humorous pain. Not all dad jokes are good ones — some are just cheap puns. But some — SOME — make your brain twist in agony. Those are the ones I adore. Here below is my collection of some of the best:

• I was sitting here eating lunch when I realized: cottage cheese is not actually, in reality, a cheese.
  • It’s just a curd to me.

• Last night 25% of my roof blew off.
  • oof.

• A beautiful Indian girl marries a Spanish man and they move to Madrid. Every week she goes to the market and, because of the language barrier, lifts up her skirt and points at her thighs to indicate that she wants chicken thighs from the butcher. One day she takes her husband along to the market with her because she wanted to buy some bananas. Do you know why?
  • Because he speaks Spanish, of course, but I like how you think.

• I bought an impressionist painting of some flowers but when I got home, the cat scratched it.
  • So, now I’m trying to sell this Clawed Monet.

• Why don’t Marxists drink proper tea?
  • Because proper tea is theft.

• This morning I found stir fry all over my bed.
  • I must have been sleep wokking again.

• I recently started reading a horror story written in Braille.
  • Something bad is about to happen — I can feel it.

• I’m interviewing for a new job as a waiter for a local restaurant.
  • I think they should hire me; I bring a lot to the table.

• Most puns make me feel numb.
  • Math puns make me feel number.

• I’m from the 80s, so I’ve been trying to relive my childhood. It isn’t going well.
  • I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

• For my latest surgery, the doctor talked to me about new anesthesia methods being tested — he said he could give me gas to knock me out like always, or he could whack me over the head with a boat paddle.
  • It was an ether/oar situation.

• Due to my attitude, I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
  • I can’t wait to rub it in!

• A woman in Idaho was diagnosed with an obscure mental disease. She has a unique form of OCD where she always stacks her plates by the year in which they were bought.
  • Her husband says it’s a rare dish order.

• I accidentally glued myself to a copy of my autobiography. My wife doesn’t believe me.
  • But that’s my story and I am sticking to it.

• I can tolerate algebra and maybe even some calculus,
  • but geometry is where I draw the line.

• CNN announced today that archeologists in Montana are going to hold a party to celebrate finding the largest dinosaur leg bone ever discovered.
  • It will be quite a shindig.

• Once again, I’m entering Sheffield’s annual Tightest Hat contest.
  • I’m really hoping I can pull it off!

• A fun fact! Bruce Lee had a vegan brother:
  • Broco Lee

• “Poor me,” thought the self-pitying man, cleaning his teapot with a sponge.
  • “Pour me,” thought the teapot.
  • “Porous,” thought the sponge.

• The wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot.
  • I, however, am not a fan.

• Everyone should try archery while blindfolded.
  • You really don’t know what you’re missing.

• I’m pretty sure my next-door neighbor stole my garden gate.
  • I would confront him, but I’m afraid he would take a fence.

• If I combined the genetics of a possum, a billy goat, and a manatee,
  • would that be a possibility?

• People always told me the word “icy” was a very easy word to spell.
  • Now that I look at it, I see why.

• On my way to work I saw a whole bunch of birds all stuck together.
  • Turns out they were velcrows.

• A preacher, a priest, and a rabbit entered a donation center to give blood.
  • “What’s your blood type?” the nurse asked the rabbit.
  • “I’m likely a Type O,” said the rabbit.

• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
  • She hit the roof.

• 90% of bald people still own a comb.
  • They just can’t part with it.

• A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

• How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
  • He felt his presents.

• What do you call Santa without a GPS?
  • A lost Claus.

• For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
  • It’s the little things that count.

• Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.
  • It is because they are Inca hoots.

• It’s a fact that 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles never get over it.

• Who led the Israelites through the semi-permeable membrane?
  • Osmoses

• I once worked as a dolphin interpreter at a local zoo.
  • I wasn’t paid a whole lot but I managed to eek out a living.

• They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
  • However, so far I’ve finished 3 pots and a vase and they’re really lovely.

• I did my first nude painting yesterday.
  • The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

• A woman walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Whaddya have?” The woman replies, “An entendre. Make it a double.”
  • So he gives it to her.

• Why do activists prefer artificial Christmas trees?
  • Because they are faux fir.

• My wife asked if I could clear the dining room table.
  • I had to take a running start, but I made it.

• Did you hear about the man who dipped his balls in glitter?
  • That’s pretty nuts, right?

• You are not allowed to laugh loudly in Hawaii.
  • You have to keep it to a low ha.

• I was going to propose to my girlfriend but then my dog ate the ring.
  • Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.

• When I was a kid, we bought a dog from a blacksmith.
  • As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

• I can’t take my dog to the park anymore, the ducks won’t leave him alone.
  • He is pure bread.

• Will glass coffins ever take off?
  • Remains to be seen!

• A man built a motorcycle out of wood — wooden tires, wooden seat, wooden gas tank, wooden engine.
  • Did it run? Nope. Wooden start.

• A man got fired from his job and his company gave him a bag of coffee.
  • It was grounds for termination.

• I dislike my job so much — all I do is crush aluminum cans all day.
  • It’s soda pressing.

• I don’t understand why my Calculator no longer works.
  • It just doesn’t add up.

• I cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
  • That’s right, I saw it with my own eyes.

• “Lance” isn’t a very common name these days,
  • but back in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

• What do you call a Christmas decoration made out of $100 bills?
  • Aretha Franklins

• My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writier…I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.
  • Heads or Tales

• If you eat aluminum foil…
  • you’ll sheet metal.

• I told my therapist that I was afraid of living in a very tall building.
  • He told me it was only an apartment complex.

• Every morning on my way to work this winter, I slipped on a frozen newspaper on our porch.
  • Recently, I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

• How do priests get rid of insects in the church?
  • Let us spray.

• I had a perfect date last night.
  • Today I think I’ll try a grape.

• My wife bet me $1000 that I couldn’t turn spaghetti into a car.
  • You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

• I found a great deal on a TV for $1; the only problem is that the volume is stuck on full.
  • I can’t turn it down!

• Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.
  • Not a great king but he was an excellent ruler.

• If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what do you get?
  • UR A BUS

• What did the dad say to the mom after buying her the wrong kind of flowers?
  • Whoops, a daisy.

• I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.
  • I lost my case.

• My wife said to me, “You know, instead of making these stupid Dad jokes, why don’t you just write a book?”
  • I replied, “You know, that’s a novel idea.”

• Do you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely out of Mediterranean flat bread?
  • It’s a Pita Parka.

• The orchestra leader was hit by lightening last night.
  • Unfortunately, he was a good conductor.

• When I was a kid, the topic of cosmetic surgery was very taboo.
  • Now, when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

• My wife told me to put ketchup on our shopping list.
  • Now I can’t read anything!

• A short psychic escaped jail this week.
  • Keep your eyes open for a small medium at large.

• I recently moved into a new house in Alaska, an igloo. My friends threw me a house-warming party.
  • Now I’m homeless!

• Yesterday, I was washing my car with my son.
  • He whined, “Gosh, Dad, can’t you just use a sponge!??”

• What should you do if you’re addicted to seaweed?
  • Sea kelp.

• My kids got a new whistle toy and insisted on using it in the house. I asked them to go outside and warned them if they didn’t, there would be consequences.
  • But they blew it.

• What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner.

• I dreamt last night that my spirit emerged from a toilet bowl.
  • It was an out-of-potty experience.

• When your wife comes home in a white suit, stings all over, and smells like honey…..
  • You know she’s a keeper.

• Tried mixing alcohol with classic American literature last night.
  • It was tequila mockingbird.

• What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?
  • Gen AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

• Astronomers named it, “Saturn”, because it has a nice ring to it.

• Just got hospitalized for a Peek-a-boo accident.
  • They put me in the ICU.

• The average size of a dwarf is 3 feet.
  • That’s a little gnome fact.

• Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
  • Because her lips stick.

• A old Japanese gardener asked what I knew about bonsai trees.
  • “Very little,” I replied.

• I was going to cook an alligator for dinner,
  • But I realized I only had a croc pot.

• Ghosts use elevators to lift their spirits.

• My pet frog broke his leg this morning.
  • He’s very unhoppy.

• My friend couldn’t pay his water bill, so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.

• Today I saw a man dragging a clam on a leash.
  • I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

• We ran out of toilet paper and now have to use lettuce instead.
  • Today was the tip of the iceberg.

• Why can’t pirates say the alphabet?
  • They get lost at C.

• My 12-year-old just tried coffee for the first time this morning. “It tastes like dirt!” he exclaimed.
  • I told him it was ground this morning.

• A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.50. However, that same slice of pie in the Bahamas is $3.
  • Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

• My wife came downstairs yesterday with a basket full of laundry and accidentally tripped and dumped it all over the floor.
  • I saw the whole thing unfold.

• I accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles.
  • The next visit to the bathroom could spell disaster.

• Whenever my wife is upset, I just let her color in my black-and-white tattoos.
  • She really just needs a shoulder to crayon.

• My math teacher called me “average”.
  • How mean!

• My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car.
  • So I had to pop the trunk.

• My wife wants to buy an expensive, life-sized statue of Bambi for the front yard.
  • Personally, I think it’s a little deer.

• Aladdin has been banned from the Olympic magic carpet race.
  • Apparently he’s been using performance-enhancing rugs.

• My wife said I act too much like a detective, she wants to split up.
  • “Oh, good,” I said. “We can cover more ground that way.”

• My girlfriend dumped me because of my addiction to comic books.
  • She says I have too many issues.

• I just joined a dating website that’s strictly for arsonists.
  • I’ve been sent a lot of matches already.

• I found out that my girlfriend is really a ghost.
  • I was suspicious from the moment she walked through the door.

• A burglar stole all my lamps.
  • I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

• Stranger things have happened, but a Tyrannosaurus Rex just sold me a bunch of handguns.
  • Yeah, well — he’s my small arms dealer.

• A dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
  • “Is this stool taken?”

• Someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit.
  • I am peachless.

• My 4-year-old can’t say “please” in Spanish.
  • That’s poor for four.

• My boss says he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
  • I have a hunch it might be me.

• My wife says I wasted money buying a 3-yard-wide photo frame.
  • But I think she should look at the bigger picture.

• I caught my son playing with electrical cords.
  • So, I had to ground him. He is doing much better currently, and is conducting himself well.

• My wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. I was so embarrassed I threw a sheet over it.
  • I think I managed to cover my tracks.

• I went to a hardware store and asked a man, “What gets rid of grime and stains?” He answered, “Ammonia cleaner.”
  • I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you worked here.”

• Scientists have found that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
  • Apparently it is in one ear, out the udder.

• I thought about switching jobs recently. There was an opening for a mirror cleaner.
  • It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

• A sweater I bought was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
  • They gave me a new one free of charge.

• I tried to order a large Diet Coke the last time I drove to Minneapolis, but they didn’t have any.
  • They only had Mini Sodas.

• If there’s one thing in this world that always makes me throw up…..
  • ….it’s a dart board on the ceiling.

• My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
  • Now I live in a flat.

• My coworker just called me and told me that he’d really like to change his name now to be, “Spinal Column”.
  • I told him I’m very busy, so I’ll have to call you Back.

• Walking home late last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, a hot fudge sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
  • The streets were strangely desserted.

• I ran into a lamppost yesterday.
  • Thankfully, I only sustained light injuries.

• Today I learned that if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
  • Because it’s cap-sized.

• A lumberjack grabbed his axe and walked into the forest. Finding a tree, he hefted his axe and got ready to swing. Suddenly the tree yelled out, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
  • The lumberjack grinned and replied, “And you will dialogue.”

• One thing I cannot deal with is a deck of cards glued together.

• I thought life couldn’t get any lower until I slapped a statue’s butt.
  • Then I knew I had struck rock bottom.

• I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
  • They’re pointless.

• Just when you think that food can’t possibly call you on the phone….
  • Onion rings.

• I wrote a book about how not to fall down the stairs.
  • It’s a step-by-step guide.

• This morning I accidentally sprayed myself in the mouth with my Axe body spray.
  • Now I speak with an Axe scent.

• A frog got his DNA tested.
  • Turns out he’s part British, part Irish, and a tad Pole

• I recently hired a handyman to get a list of things done around the house. At the end of the day, he had only done items one, three, and five from the list.
  • Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

• I woke up really early this morning and as I sat around, I started to wonder when the sun would rise.
  • Then it dawned on me.

• Why did the farmer name his horse, “Mayo”?
  • Because Mayo neighs.

• I have started a boat-building business in our attic.
  • So far sails are going through the roof!

• I made a Spotify playlist just for hiking. It has the Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
  • It’s my Trail Mix.

• The best gift I ever received was a broken drum.
  • You can’t beat that!

• Did you hear the score of the game between the ocean and the beach?
  • It’s tide.

• Once my kid swallowed a whole bunch of coins so we took him to the hospital. After an hour, we asked the nurse how he was doing.
  • She said there was no change.

• My uncle died by stumbling around in the dark and falling down a well.
  • He couldn’t see that well.

• Fake potatoes are imitaters.

• You know, the ceiling in this room isn’t the best I’ve ever seen, but it’s up there. 👆

• My grandpa always said that when one door closes, another opens.
  • Wise man but horrible cabinet maker.

• I saw a dog give birth on the side of the road.
  • Then the police came and gave her a fine for littering.

• My doctor recommended that I buy orthopedic insoles for my shoes.
  • I didn’t think they would work, but I stand corrected.

• Two fish are in a tank.
  • One goes to the other, “Can you drive this thing?”

• How much does a new chimney cost?
  • It’s on the house.

• Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
  • She had mittens!

• Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”.
  • But cows living in hot, dry climates have tougher hides, and are D Hide Rated.

• I’m so mad. I got let go from my job today. I make keyboards for a living.
  • Evidently I was missing too many shifts.

• In a recent survey, horses were rated to have the best mental health of all animals.
  • Primarily, this is attributed to their stable environment.

• My son came to me and said, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
  • I said, “No sun.”

• Shout out to my grandma!
  • (That’s the only way she can hear.)

• My wife was upset to learn I had invested all our savings by buying stock in the Bose company.
  • I said don’t worry — it’s a sound investment.

• How does Jesus like his steak?
  • Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done.